Why Are We Failing at Love? The Root Not The Fruit

Love has become so watered down and has caused us to throw the word around so loosely. When I think of the word Love, I think of the perfect love of God, no strings, no conditions, no reservations, no wavering, just pure agape love. I’m not quite there yet in my love walk, not even close. I can’t even grasp how much God loves me. He is the true author of love. He published it and distributed it to us freely. But we took it and altered it, then pawned it for half the price, devaluing it but all the while expecting it to keep its authenticity when all we really have now is a counterfeit version. How? Why? How can I give something that I never really understood and received in the first place?

The word love is so powerful and honestly shapes how we operate on a daily basis. Where did we go wrong in our understanding of love and why are so many of us failing at it?

We have grown up in a society where broken homes are so prevalent it has become the norm. Women are forced to take on the role of nurturer and provider, and as a result, the foundation is cracked. Just think: when building a house, inspectors come in to ensure that the house is up to code to pass inspection. If any part of the house has a flaw, it can easily be fixed. Maybe insolation in a wall needs to be restored or new flooring in the bathroom needs to be laid, but if the foundation is flawed, then the house will be condemned. The foundation compromises everything within it. So if the house is built on a firm foundation, anything inside of the house can be looked at as minor maintenance, but the foundation is the core of any structure whether it be a house, a family, a marriage, etc. God lays the foundation and we should build on that. 1 Corinthians 3:11 states that “For no one can lay down any foundation other than the one we already have, Jesus Christ. He is love and He is the foundation

But what exactly is love? I honestly am still in the process of truly understanding love and walking it out properly. Unlearning and retraining my brain to grasp the concept of love has been a struggle seeing I spent years thinking I was walking in love but I honestly allowed my feelings to guide me instead of the Word of God. But where did this come from? I had to get to the root of why I had spent so many years loving improperly.

Growing up, both of my parents were in the picture but they divorced when I was very young. My father was very abusive to my mother physically and mentally which was the main cause for the split. My father and I relationship became very strained when I was a teen, my stepfather and I were at war with each other every other day, and my brother and I were like arch-nemesis living under the same roof. The 3 male relationships that should have set the example for me to base my definition of love off of was non-existent. Mind you I wasn’t the easiest to love at that time anyway. I went into relationships equating the men I dated to the men in my life, holding them to the standard of them instead of the standard of HIM. Because of this, my relationships became codependent and at times very toxic. I had nothing else to go by. No map, no GPS, no Siri, just buried images of what I experienced and what I saw that always seemed to resurface and take root in the relationships that presented themselves to me. But there was something about the hostile, toxic, argumentative, possessive, volatile relationships that just didn’t sit quite right in my spirit. Something was missing even though at times I was the culprit of this absurd behavior I knew deep down that this was not what love should be.

1 Cor 13:4 describes love as being patient and kind, long-suffering, love endures and never gives up. This is the shorter version of the whole verse but these words speak volumes when I compare them to how I looked at love and how I thought it should make me feel based on what I saw and what I experienced in my own relationships. If we have the fundamentals and walk-in, true love, there is no room for perpetual error. Love is far from a feeling it is a choice. Love is sacrificial serving. The average person (including myself) goes into relationships completely selfish which is a recipe for disaster. Constantly thinking about what that person can bring into the relationship and what they can get. We base it off of temporal emotions and feelings which waver on a day to day basis. If we can just stop and go to the source (God) we will ultimately have what we need to be well equipped to walk this love thing out. Of course, errors will occur but we have access to the blueprint, God is the manufacturer of love.

So why are we failing at love? Our own selfishness, lack of knowledge, lack of maturity, fear, scars from our past, and the list goes on.


Let's not merely say that we love each other, let us show the truth by our actions. (1 John 3:18). #GoodGod

1 Corinthians 13:4


Leave a comment